The United States can be divided into two parts, as shown on the map below: Texas and Not Texas. Hordes of people from Not Texas have been immigrating to Texas in recent decades, swelling our population from around seven million when I was in school to around twenty-five million in current estimates. A lot of people are stuck in jobs or family situations in Not Texas and can’t come. That’s fortunate, since otherwise the entire population of the world would try to crowd into Texas.
People sometimes refer to Texas as a southern state. Others consider it to be a western state. Neither is accurate. Texas is Texas, and there’s no substitute.
People in Not Texas speak kinda funny. Californians, New Yorkers, Virginians, New Englanders and others have funny accents that sometimes make it hard to understand them. Texans are the only ones who have no accents at all. We just all sound normal. And, of course, we use normal expressions that y’all should be able to understand.
Even Not Texans realize that everything is bigger in Texas. Some don’t realize how much bigger, though. Sometimes we have to post signs to keep the foreigners reminded of the special dangers this can pose.
Of course, Texans are raised to be polite. We respect our elders and show it in our manners.
Sometimes the size of Texas can be a bit of a disadvantage. You can leave Beaumont or Texarkana headed for El Paso and take two days to get there. The same is true going from Brownsville to Dalhart. Another way to look at it is that you can drive from El Paso to Los Angeles quicker than from El Paso to either Texarkana or Beaumont. Of course, that’s assuming anyone would actually want to go to Los Angeles.
We have four seasons here in Texas: hot, hotter, Christmas, and winter—which lasts from Christmas until January. Except for a few people in the Panhandle, we don’t even know what snow blowers look like.
Vegetarians need not apply for Texas citizenship.
Texans know the value of beef. The vegans and other health nuts can talk all they want about limiting the consumption of red meat, but we know better. A Texan’s diet is filled with good solid protein.
Guess I’d better cut this off before all of y’all Not Texans start trying to crowd your way into our fabulous state. We love you, but we just can’t find room for all of you.
If y’all are fortunate enough to live in Texas, tell us what you like best about it. If y’all are unfortunate enough to live in Not Texas, try not to drool as you read all this—or else let us know whatever you like about living off out yonder and being a furriner.
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