We may not have it all together, but together we have it all.
Julie Glover recently wrote a blog about euphemisms for urinating. After I got through laughing at some of the examples she came up with, I recalled a time many years ago when I got a lot of laughs out of such a euphemism.
Most of my military service was at Fort Sill, Oklahoma. I served as battery clerk in one of the artillery officer candidate batteries. 1967 and 1968 were busy times for the army. Vietnam was building up, and we were churning out officers at breakneck speed.
The cadre that ran our battery included a captain as battery commander, a first lieutenant as executive officer, and four second lieutenants as platoon leaders. The first sergeant and I (a Spec 5) were the only enlisted personnel in the orderly room (battery headquarters).
Although the commander and XO were a bit aloof with us peons, the platoon leaders weren’t. They frequently invited me to be a fourth for bridge or to shoot pool with them in the battalion dayroom, and I became good friends with several of them.
One time Lt. Bill Rice and Lt. Bob Johnson invited my wife and me to join them and their dates for a trip to a restaurant some twenty miles or so up into the Wichita Mountains behind the post. Since we were off duty, off post and dressed in civvies, they insisted I call them by their first names instead of “lieutenant,” as I did during the duty day.
We had a great time—talking, cracking jokes, and so forth. I think Bill was driving, and his date and Bob were in the front seat with him. Bob’s date was in the back with my wife and me.
About halfway from the restaurant back to I-44, I knew we were miles from any place to make a pit stop, so I told Bill I had to wee.
He assumed I was kidding and told me to wait until we got back, but I told him I couldn’t wait. I really needed to wee.
We argued back and forth for a couple of minutes, each of the other occupants of the car getting more and more embarrassed. Finally, Bill decided I must be having a real emergency, so he pulled over to the side of the road to let me out.
I opened the back door, stood up, and yelled, “Weeeeee!” Then I got back in the car and said, “Oh, that’s better.”
Bill and Bob both wanted to get mad at me, but they couldn’t stop laughing long enough to do so. The three women didn’t know how to react at first, but finally they all began to laugh, too.
It was days before the officers quit talking about it.
Do you have a story you can share about urinating or pretending you had to? I always love hearing from you.
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For more information about David N. Walker, click the “About” tag above.
For more information about his book, click the “Heaven Sent” tag above.
Contact him at davwalktx@yahoo.com or tweet him at @davidnwalkertx
David N Walker 
This very incident occurred in a novel I’ve yet to write a review for–this story must be making the rounds.
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Thanks. BTW, this incident I’m reporting took place in 1968 – probably predating the novel you mention.
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Funny, post! My most interesting story was riding my bicycle on a country road and really needing to go. I saw a Church with a huge HVAC unit and decided to hide behind it. When I walked around the unit…there sat a toilet. I took it as a sign.
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Guess that toilet was like the title of my book – Heaven Sent. Thanks for sharing, Jane.
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Oh my goodness this is funny! I like when my dad randomly gets up from the table and says he has to use the bathroom – so abrupt I always laugh! Weee hehe
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Glad you liked it, Christy.
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Either that was a popular stunt back in those days, or you got it from hearing me talk about the incident when Jack Jackson pulled the same stunt while riding back to FW from Abilene with Charlie and me. I was embarrassed, of course, but not too embarrassed to laugh when he hollered “Wee” and got back in the car. I can see you pulling this off with your officer friends.
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I think you’re right, Sis. I vaguely remember that it wasn’t original with me. Hope that’s not plagiarism.
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When I first met my husband-to-be, I was babysitting on a boat across the dock from him. I was staying the weekend on their boat because the family was away on vacation. Their toilet got clogged and my husband came to the rescue. Not the most romantic of meetings. We are married 25 years now, so no harm was done. When I was going out with him on a first date, he had his houseboat up on a sling so he could sand barnacles from the bottom. Our date included sanding followed by dinner. We slept on the boat in the sling, and used the head (toilet). When the holding tank got filled, Jim used a siphon and filled up red jerry cans with the contents of the holding tank, then he dumped the waste into the appropriate receptacle. The next time we dated, we went out on the water and my husband took one of the jerry cans, held it up in the air and said, “This is me.” I was puzzled, wondering if he was making a statement like, I feel shitty, or something like that. He threw it overboard and I wondered if he was saying things were desperate for him. Turns out he was trying to teach me to rescue him if he fell overboard. He wanted me to throw a ring overboard, grab a boat hook, and draw the container in.
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Glad the inopportune first meeting didn’t rob you of the last 25 years, Heather.
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ROFL!! Totally up my alley David…love it!!!
I’m going to save this one to play on hubby someday!! LOL!!
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Gotta have another couple or two along for maximum effect, Natalie. Wait, why didn’t your husband read this? jk
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