Understanding Texicans

WANA: We may not have it all together, but together we have it all.

It occurred to me that my tweeps and fellow bloggers come from around the world. Naturally, you’ve all heard of Texas, but you may never have been here, and you may know nothing of our highly refined culture here. In the spirit of better understanding, I thought I’d include some vital information about Texas and Texans. Please try to maintain a spirit of reverence as you read this.

THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A TEXAN SAY:

12. Duct tape won’t fix that.

11. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.

10. No, we don’t keep firearms in this house.

9. No kids in the back of the pickup! It’s just not safe.

8. No thanks! We’re vegetarians.

7. I couldn’t find a single thing I liked at Wal-Mart today.

6. The tires on that truck are way too big.

5. I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

4. Unsweetened tea just tastes better.

3. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

2. Checkmate.

1. "Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin tonight."

A TEXAN’S GUIDE TO COMPUTERS:

“Hard drive” — Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

“Keyboard” —- Place to hang your truck keys.

“Window” —— Place in the truck to hang your guns.

“Modem” ——- How you got rid of your dandelions.

“ROM” ——— Tasty when you mix it with Coca-Cola.

“Byte” ——– First word in a kiss-off phrase.

“Reboot” —— What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

“Mouse” ——- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

“LAN” ——– To borrow as in, “Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck.”

“Bit” ——— A wager as in, “I bit you can’t spit that watermelon seed acrost the porch longways.”

TEXAS MEDICAL TERMS

Benign – What you be, after you be eight.
Artery – The study of paintings
Bacteria – Back door to cafeteria
Barium – what doctors do when patients die
Cesarean section – a neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan – searching for kitty
Cauterize – made eye contact with her
Colic – a sheep dog
coma- a punctuation mark
Dilate – to live long
Enema – Not a friend
Fester – quicker than someone else
Fibula – a small lie
GI series – world series of military baseball
Hangnail – what you hang your coat on
Labor pain – getting hurt at work
medical staff – a doctor’s cane
Morbid – a higher offer
Nitrates – cheaper than day rates
Node – I knew it
Outpatient – a person who has fainted
Pelvis – second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative – a letter carrier
Recovery room – place to do upholstery
Rectum – darn near killed him
Secretion – hiding something
Seizure – a Roman emperor
Tablet – a small table
Terminal Illness – getting sick at the airport
Tumor – one plus one more
Urine – opposite of you’re out
Varicose – nearby

I hope I’ve enlightened all of you today who are not fortunate enough to live in the Republic of Texas and maybe contributed a bit to international understanding in the process. Please don’t all rush at once to try to move here. Our highways are always overcrowded this time of year with Yankees heading home after spending the winter in the Rio Grande Valley and Padre Island.

Might be safer to wait until May. Of course, in May everybody’s planting cotton, and you might come up behind a tractor moving from one field to another at five or six miles per hour.

 

clip_image001David N. Walker is a Christian father and grandfather, a grounded pilot and a near-scratch golfer who had to give up the game because of shoulder problems. A graduate of Duke University, he spent 42 years as a health insurance agent. Most of that career was spent in Texas, but for a few years he traveled many other states. He started writing about 20 years ago, and has six unpublished novels to use as primers on how NOT to write fiction. Since his retirement from insurance a few years ago, he has devoted his time to helping Kristen Lamb start Warrior Writers’ Boot Camp and trying to learn to write a successful novel himself.

Advertisements

About David N. Walker

David N. Walker is a Christian husband, father and grandfather, a grounded pilot and a near-scratch golfer who had to give up the game because of shoulder problems. A graduate of Duke University, he spent 42 years in the health insurance industry, during which time he traveled much of the United States. He started writing about 20 years ago and has been a member and leader in several writers' groups. Christianity 101: The Simplified Christian Life, the devotional Heaven Sent and the novella series, Fancy, are now available in paperback and in Kindle and Nook formats, as well as through Smashwords and Kobo. See information about both of these by clicking "Books" above.
This entry was posted in Archives and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

53 Responses to Understanding Texicans

  1. Pingback: Personal Milestone | David N Walker

  2. The Guat says:

    This was cracking me up! I wasn’t born or raised in Texas, but my mentor is from Texas — Vernon Texas — and I’ll be sure to send this to him. I can see him saying some of these phrases. Good post. Thanks for sending it over to Susie’s page otherwise I would have never found it 🙂

    Like

  3. Thanks for this. I laughed so hard I was shaking. I have friends who recently moved to Texas and I must share this information so that they don’t embarass themselves with the locals!

    Like

  4. lynnkelleyauthor says:

    Hilarious stuff, especially the medical terms. Laughed out loud all through this. I’m glad you put this link on Susie’s blog!

    Like

  5. Pingback: March Departmental #MashUp of Awesomeness « Lessons From Teachers and Twits

  6. This post is too funny David 😉 Now I know why I’ve always felt like an outsider even though I’m from here. I’m first generation but probably the last. Growing up in a family of artists that we not native Texans, I had a very different experience than most who grew up here. But what you describe is right on point with a lot of native residents that is for sure!

    Like

  7. Pingback: Blog Treasures 3-10 | Gene Lempp's Blog

  8. Pingback: Monday Connections: Great Sites. No Jet Lag « Holly Michael's Writing Straight

  9. ktlee says:

    Oh my goodness! This was the funniest thing I have read in a while! Loved every single one of them! So funny! Thanks for a great laugh! Sadly, I hate to tell you but I do work with a few people here in Colorado who use some of those same terms in the ways you mentioned. But I’ll blame it on Texas!

    Like

  10. fuonlyknew says:

    You made my week David! I have a niece and a cousin in Texas and they loved this also! We all have our handy duct tape:)
    laura thomas

    Like

  11. Texas sounds a whole lot like Wyoming!

    Like

  12. Despite liking radicchio and arugula salad I would fit right in with you, Texans! You totally are my kind of people 🙂 Who knows, maybe one day I will move there (and I’ll bring my duct tape and guns with me!)

    Like

  13. OMG…too funny! I wish I were writing a book set in Texas right about now…

    Like

  14. Funny stuff. Loved it. My blog today was similar. Misspellings in India. http://writingstraight.com/2012/03/02/crap-on-the-menu-not-in-our-writing/

    Like

  15. Barb Estinson says:

    Sounds like you entertained a lot of people with this one, Bro. I’d seen it before … but I’m laughing all over again. Yep, that is my home state. I’ve been gone a long time … but not so long that I forgot these things!

    Thanks for the day brightener.

    Barb

    Like

  16. LOL David! This is hilarious stuff. Love your sense of humor! Texas style! 🙂

    Like

  17. Funny stuff, David! This Ohio gal likes duct tape too. Fixed an ailing fridge door for over a year with it.

    Like

  18. Love it!!! LOL!!! Great post and totally got my morning off right. 🙂

    Like

  19. Absolutely hysterical post David! I have tweeted it and emailed a link to all my friend who have a sense of humor. Love this! The only thing missing is any reference to fried foods – the Lone Star state is the only state I’ve ever been in that is willing to fry almost anything – I’ve heard of fried butter, pickles, jello (?!), fried bubblegum (seriously? Was it just to see if it would work?), fried salsa and many more. The Texas State Fair is the only fair that I know of which celebrates frying in any and every way. Love love love your post David! I laughed until I was crying, then I laughed some more until I couldn’t breathe. I was afraid I would wake my daughter from screaming with laughter (didn’t wake thankfully!)

    Like

  20. Hi David.

    I spent an hour at DFW changing planes. I know that doesn’t count as a visit. But I’ve watched “Giant” at least ten times. Does that count? I need to send your medical terms to my doctor buddy. 🙂

    Like

    • “Giant” or the tv series “Dallas” give you some idea, but it would take weeks of visiting and touring to get the true feel of this great state and its varied climates and lifestyles. Thanks for stopping, Jennifer.

      Like

  21. Why does it say I posted at 4:52 AM? And why doesn’t my real avatar show?For the love of duct tape!

    Like

    • I wonder about things like that all the time. Don’t know if they use GMT or what. And I never understand why they don’t post actual profile photos. Guess you need to ask someone smarter than I.

      Like

  22. I so want to come to Texas. My friend’s wife is from Texas and she is the cutest little alien I ever met. I don’t know howvsheblives in New York State.

    Fun post!

    I wish I could get to DFW this year for the writing conference. It’s not going to happen, dang it. So I guess I’m missing cotton season. Dagnabit.

    Like

  23. EllieAnn says:

    This is so funny!! The “checkmate” joke was my favorite, haha. 🙂

    Like

  24. susielindau says:

    Danny just read this and he is crying because he was laughing so hard.
    Just thought I would give you a heads up that this will probably go “vi-rail” since he plans to send your link to all of his friends!

    Like

  25. I LOVE laughing out loud so I apologize for not being successful in maintaining “a spirit of reverence”! Thank you for this deeply insightful and informative post.

    Like

  26. David, thank you for sharing this serious treatise on Texian expressions. I’m hoping Susie understands just how profound it is 🙂

    Like

  27. susielindau says:

    Hahaha! You can post this, but if I did….
    What I notice about Texan women is they LOVE eye make up, big hair, and anything that sparkles.
    One of the first tennis teams I played on had two captains from the Lone Star State. Our team uniform included black tank tops with “SmashGals” written in rhinestones with zebra skirts. This was about 9 years ago and I just met someone from an opposing team that remembered those dazzling outfits! We made a lasting impression. Now we don’t even wear matching uniforms.
    I wonder how GCB will be received by Texans…

    Like

    • We usually do things a little differently here, Susie. Of course, I’ve never seen snow or ski lifts on any of our mountains, so I guess Colorado can boast a little.

      Like

Comments are closed.