Today I have the honor of hosting a stop on the Bayard-Lamb campaign trail. They answer some crucially important questions of great moment to the future of the country. Piper and I have never met except on the internet, but Kristen and I are old friends. Well, one of us is a lot older than the other, but I won’t spoil it by telling you which is which.
Presidential candidate Piper Bayard V.P. candidate Kristen Lamb
How could anyone vote against these two?
Without further ado, let’s get on with questions and answers about Piper Bayard’s & Kristen Lamb’s positions on some of the most critical issues of the campaign:
David: Aren’t you afraid your Granny Plan will be considered politically incorrect age-discrimination, especially the term “Silver Hair Health League?”
Bayard-Lamb: Political correctness is the mother of stupidity. If we’re going to be honest and transparent, why would we bother with Orwellian doublespeak?
And as for silver hair, we personally earned every one of our silver hairs and wore them proudly, right up until we covered them with blonde highlights.
David: You both seem to be against the sport of golf, but we’ve heard nothing about your stands on tiddlywinks or curling either one.
Bayard-Lamb: We plan on solving many foreign disputes and state issues with a good, hard round of tiddlywinks.
And curling? Well, we both own flat irons, but we’re not against curling when it is more flattering to the facial features. We certainly do not see ourselves legislating how Americans do their hair, although the mullet should be illegal.
David: You’ve named a few of your cabinet members. How do people go about applying for other cabinet or White House jobs in your administration?
Bayard-Lamb: We’ll be selecting the rest of our cabinet using Reality TV Shows as a way of boosting the economy and bringing a new level of authenticity to the cabinet selection process. Granted, it’s still fake, but it’s transparent fake. We realize that the best way to truly get the majority of Americans involved in their own government is to put it in the Reality TV format. If you’re interested in applying for the Big Committee, start practicing your dance moves, or, depending on the show, you might want to read up on what plants are edible.
David: It’s been said that serious thought in this country has been missing since the invention of the indoor toilet. Not enough time spent trudging to the outhouse for meditation. Any comment on this crucial subject?
Bayard-Lamb: Piper understands your concern, though Kristen has never been initiated to the Cult of Outhouse Meditation. We absolutely favor contemplation and down time during the day, which is why we support companies that allow and encourage nap time for their employees. However, we do not encourage napping in the bathroom. This is a major cause of hemorrhoids and filibusters.
David: Will Brooklyn Decker’s Sports Illustrated cover photo be the official logo of your campaign?
Bayard-Lamb: Well, it would certainly get the male, lesbian, and bi-curious vote, but what would our campaign slogan be in that case? If you’re going to be governed by an ass, it should look like Brooklyn Decker’s?
We haven’t got a logo yet. We’re leaning heavily towards a black sheep to counteract the stupidity of the elephant and the donkey. However, we would love people’s suggestions and submissions on this issue.
David: What do you think of the proposal to make Congress a part-time institution so they don’t have so much time to pass destructive legislation?
Bayard-Lamb: We think that will be a necessary development during our administration. Since we plan to make them a Reality TV show, they will need to attend in accordance with the television seasons. We will have a fall season and a spring season, along with a Congress Holiday Special. If anyone wants more of Congress, they can tune in for Jackass, Part Five.
David: You’ve mentioned the Montana vote. Do either of you actually ride horses and rope cattle? This could win you votes in a lot of western states.
Bayard-Lamb: Actually, Piper does ride horses, and while she doesn’t rope cattle, she does herd them. We both shoot, and Kristen loves flannel and grills some amazing steaks. Therefore, we feel that we do bring a strong appeal for that Western vote.
David: Bayard/Holmes created OFUC a couple of years ago to help food exporting nations. Don’t you think the Society for Helping International Trade (SHIT) could be helpful in that effort also?
Bayard-Lamb: As a matter of fact, OFUC and SHIT work very well together at dealing with the world’s trade balance, especially when you insert the word “this” between them.
David: Is it true that Jillian Dodd will be in charge of White House security to screen people seeking admission? She has extensive experience checking out what men have under their shirts and might be very helpful in this area.
Bayard-Lamb: That would be at the discretion of Jillian and her husband, but we’re sure she can delegate the task to some more than eager romance writers.
David N. Walker is a Christian father and grandfather, a grounded pilot and a near-scratch golfer who had to give up the game because of shoulder problems. A graduate of Duke University, he spent 42 years as a health insurance agent. Most of that career was spent in Texas, but for a few years he traveled many other states. He started writing about 20 years ago, and has six unpublished novels to use as primers on how NOT to write fiction. Since his retirement from insurance a few years ago, he has devoted his time to helping Kristen Lamb start Warrior Writers’ Boot Camp and trying to learn to write a successful novel himself.
That was truly amazing! Thanks for that!
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“Political correctness is the mother of stupidity.” I love it~ What a fantastic interview!
So funny… I think I know a lot of people who would love to be in charge of security too.
Nice to know you Piper!
Thanks, Karlene. Maybe they’ll appoint you to fly Air force I.
So nice to know you, too, Karlene. Thank you for your support. 🙂
Omigosh! I love your stance on curling. Can you help those of us who want to uncurl? 😉 Great stuff!
Hey, Renee, you live close enough to Canada to know what curling really is.
Absolutely! I recommend a very large, round brush and a blow dryer for that. Thanks for your support. 🙂
I’ll shout it out again. You have my vote,
I like the rebel image of black sheep.
Alternatives? Camel? Every day could be hump day. That would pull in the male vote. Is my romance genre slip showing?
Or, giraffe. Where you keep your heads above the fray.
I am selfishly holding onto all other questions for the two of you. 😉
p.s. It’s sentence frag day in my writing world. I do know how to construct a proper sentence.
Thanks for stopping, Gloria. I hope your “holding onto all other questions” means you’re going to host them also.
Lol. Thanks for your support, Gloria. 🙂
Love the black sheep logo! 🙂 Great post to all of you!
Thanks, Jamie. I thought it fit.
Thank you, Jami. We appreciate your support. 🙂
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‘Scuse me while I pick myself up off the floor and wipe my eyes. I’d vote for Bayard-Lamb in an instant. Too bad Canadians don’t get a vote. 🙂
You could probably vote in Chicago, Diane.
David is right. Chicago will allow anyone to register, regardless of country, species, or state of post-metabolic decay. 🙂 Thank you for your support.
My husband is quite patriotic and would fully support my being in charge of White House security. If I’m asked to search under men’s clothing for concealed weapons, I will do it for my country. And while I love their campaign slogan of “Finally – A pair in the White House,” I think they should also implement a slogan for their Presidential term. It should be, “Do it for your country!”
I knew you’d be willing to bite that bullet, Jill.
Wow, Jillian. *wipes away tears* I’m deeply moved by your devotion to America. Thank you for having our backs. You are a true example for our countrymen.
A big thanks to you, David. We appreciate your support and your hosting our Campaign Blog Tour. We’re honored to be here. 🙂
Thanks for the opportunity, Piper.
Lol! This had me rolling. Hilarious!
I love the black sheep logo.
And I think I’ve finally decided on what job I want to try out for in the White House Reality TV competitions. USAID director. I think I’ll only have one decision to make regarding it a well. 😉 now I better go practice my Irish jig. =)
Yea! I think you will be awesome in that job. In addition to USAID, I hope you will also apply to lead ISAID, HESAID, SHESAID, and WESAID. Thank you for your support. 🙂
But not THEYSAID, because they’re always wrong.
Great questions, and a good laugh.
If we’re going to be governed by an ass then Mrs Deckers is a good choice! I’m sure Jillian can select a suitable alternate for the other half of the population. The idea could catch on, then it would just be down to which ass you like them most.
Oh, wait, that’s like it is now…
Lol. If it comes down to which ass people like the most, Kristen and I certainly hope that would put us ahead of Newt Gingrich, at the very least. Thanks for your support, Nigel. 🙂
I’m not sure I should get into this one. Wouldn’t want to make one of myself.
Thank you for hosting this leg of the blog tour, David. I think I’ll vote Bayard-Lamb just because they’re not using non-renewable resources (gas, oil, my attention span) to travel the country in person and make speeches full of obfuscating rhetoric. Ladies, you rock.
Thanks, Suzanne. I know they appreciate your support.
Hi Suzanne. I love how you pointed out that your attention span is a non-renewable resource. So true of all of us. I think that’s one reason why so many people are so turned off by politics today.
Thank you for your comment. We appreciate your support.