Today I have the honor of hosting a stop on the Bayard-Lamb campaign trail. They answer some crucially important questions of great moment to the future of the country. Piper and I have never met except on the internet, but Kristen and I are old friends. Well, one of us is a lot older than the other, but I won’t spoil it by telling you which is which.
Presidential candidate Piper Bayard V.P. candidate Kristen Lamb
How could anyone vote against these two?
David: Aren’t you afraid your Granny Plan will be considered politically incorrect age-discrimination, especially the term “Silver Hair Health League?”
Bayard-Lamb: Political correctness is the mother of stupidity. If we’re going to be honest and transparent, why would we bother with Orwellian doublespeak?
And as for silver hair, we personally earned every one of our silver hairs and wore them proudly, right up until we covered them with blonde highlights.
David: You both seem to be against the sport of golf, but we’ve heard nothing about your stands on tiddlywinks or curling either one.
Bayard-Lamb: We plan on solving many foreign disputes and state issues with a good, hard round of tiddlywinks.
And curling? Well, we both own flat irons, but we’re not against curling when it is more flattering to the facial features. We certainly do not see ourselves legislating how Americans do their hair, although the mullet should be illegal.
David: You’ve named a few of your cabinet members. How do people go about applying for other cabinet or White House jobs in your administration?
Bayard-Lamb: We’ll be selecting the rest of our cabinet using Reality TV Shows as a way of boosting the economy and bringing a new level of authenticity to the cabinet selection process. Granted, it’s still fake, but it’s transparent fake. We realize that the best way to truly get the majority of Americans involved in their own government is to put it in the Reality TV format. If you’re interested in applying for the Big Committee, start practicing your dance moves, or, depending on the show, you might want to read up on what plants are edible.
David: It’s been said that serious thought in this country has been missing since the invention of the indoor toilet. Not enough time spent trudging to the outhouse for meditation. Any comment on this crucial subject?
Bayard-Lamb: Piper understands your concern, though Kristen has never been initiated to the Cult of Outhouse Meditation. We absolutely favor contemplation and down time during the day, which is why we support companies that allow and encourage nap time for their employees. However, we do not encourage napping in the bathroom. This is a major cause of hemorrhoids and filibusters.
David: Will Brooklyn Decker’s Sports Illustrated cover photo be the official logo of your campaign?
Bayard-Lamb: Well, it would certainly get the male, lesbian, and bi-curious vote, but what would our campaign slogan be in that case? If you’re going to be governed by an ass, it should look like Brooklyn Decker’s?
We haven’t got a logo yet. We’re leaning heavily towards a black sheep to counteract the stupidity of the elephant and the donkey. However, we would love people’s suggestions and submissions on this issue.
David: What do you think of the proposal to make Congress a part-time institution so they don’t have so much time to pass destructive legislation?
Bayard-Lamb: We think that will be a necessary development during our administration. Since we plan to make them a Reality TV show, they will need to attend in accordance with the television seasons. We will have a fall season and a spring season, along with a Congress Holiday Special. If anyone wants more of Congress, they can tune in for Jackass, Part Five.
David: You’ve mentioned the Montana vote. Do either of you actually ride horses and rope cattle? This could win you votes in a lot of western states.
Bayard-Lamb: Actually, Piper does ride horses, and while she doesn’t rope cattle, she does herd them. We both shoot, and Kristen loves flannel and grills some amazing steaks. Therefore, we feel that we do bring a strong appeal for that Western vote.
David: Bayard/Holmes created OFUC a couple of years ago to help food exporting nations. Don’t you think the Society for Helping International Trade (SHIT) could be helpful in that effort also?
Bayard-Lamb: As a matter of fact, OFUC and SHIT work very well together at dealing with the world’s trade balance, especially when you insert the word “this” between them.
David: Is it true that Jillian Dodd will be in charge of White House security to screen people seeking admission? She has extensive experience checking out what men have under their shirts and might be very helpful in this area.
Bayard-Lamb: That would be at the discretion of Jillian and her husband, but we’re sure she can delegate the task to some more than eager romance writers.
David N. Walker is a Christian father and grandfather, a grounded pilot and a near-scratch golfer who had to give up the game because of shoulder problems. A graduate of Duke University, he spent 42 years as a health insurance agent. Most of that career was spent in Texas, but for a few years he traveled many other states. He started writing about 20 years ago, and has six unpublished novels to use as primers on how NOT to write fiction. Since his retirement from insurance a few years ago, he has devoted his time to helping Kristen Lamb start Warrior Writers’ Boot Camp and trying to learn to write a successful novel himself.